Empty Wells

So…  It has been quite some time since I felt led to write anything on here, and for some reason I feel led to pour out my soul once again at 3:00 in the morning.   With that being said, I would like to apologize in advance if parts of this are incoherent.

Since my last entry, alot of things have changed.   There are so many unexpected things happening in my life right now.   I have had friendships restored, new friends made, and I have been kicking around the idea of moving into my own apartment.  On the flipside of the coin, there were things that I had taken for granted as rock solid, that have crumbled under my feet.   At first this was devastating.  I could not, for the life of me, understand why everything I had dreamed about was being snatched out from under me.  I was beginning to wonder if I had ever really heard from God in the first place.   I mean, how could I have missed the mark, when it seemed that God was confirming everything I was doing. 

Through all of this, I have come to the realization that God works in each persons life in different ways, and I am beginning to see the cycle of choices and consequences in my life that remind me of who I am and what I am called to do.   I realize that the reasoning behind my foundation crumbling comes from two things.  First and foremost, I have not allowed God to be the controlling factor in my life.   This was hard for me to swallow at first.   For those of you that know me, I am a major control freak.   My whole life, I have been taught that if you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself.   And sadly enough, I have allowed that mindset to trickle over into my relationship with God.   Rather than waiting on God to move in my life, I become impatient and begin to make decisions that are beneficial to me, justifying them as God’s will for my life.   Because of my knowledge and life experiences, I can make it work for a while.   I lay my own foundation in my life, sort of a sand kind of foundation.   I think I am doing great, and things do go great… for a while.    But as I get comfortable in this life I made for myself, I begin to fill it with things that are in no way pleasing to God.   This brings me to my next reason for my crumbling foundation.   I fill my life with so much baggage.   Things that distract me from God.    He has really been kicking my butt  about this one lately.   As things are going good in my life, I begin to focus on how great things are going.   I place all of my trust into these distractions.   For instance, Alicia and I just broke up a few weeks ago.  It had gotten to the point in my life that I couldn’t think of anything else.   My life had begun to revolve around her.   When I was going to talk to her, When I was going to be able to go see her, How much time we were going to spend together during the summer.   As I began to fill my life up with these thoughts, I weighed myself down with more and more baggage.   I became depressed and lonely, and the more I weighed myself down, the more my foundation crumbled.   I began compromising my convictions in areas of my life and making really terrible decisions.   Decisions that eventually led to my life collapsing. 

So why is it that I have this desire to go to these empty wells in my life.    I know that they are only going to be temporary fixes to a deeper problem.   I know that they will eventually dry up, but yet I continue to drag my bucket to the well, lower it down, and bring up that temporary pleasure in my life.   Everytime I finish partaking of these pleasures, I leave feeling empty.  It’s almost like it never quenched my thirst at all.  It can be so depressing at times.

But Hallelujah!   My God is a God of restoration.   My God doesn’t kick me when I’m down.   He convicts me, and set me on a path of righteousness.   The past couple of weeks have been an amazing time of restoration in my life.   God has restored old relationships, introduced me to new ones, and set me on a path to a deeper walk with Him.  He has revealed to me how distracted I have become.   How many things in my life are demanding my attention over Him.  And He is a jealous God.  I am ready to be used again.   I am ready to please my God with my actions rather than driving a wedge between us.   I am so thankful that God isn’t done with me yet.   And I can’t wait to see where He is going to take me next.

Getting Past my Past????

You know  It’s a novel Idea, but can any of us truly achieve it.  I can’t speak for any of you individually, but I CAN speak for myself.  What is it about my past that keeps me from moving forward?  I am not a great thinker, or a great writer for that matter, but what I can say is that my past is something that haunts every aspect of my life today.  It affects my relationships with friends, coworkers, family, and my girlfriend.  I try so hard to shake these feelings that rise up from deep within me, but they always come through.  These haunting memories are a cancer that eat away at my very being.  

It seems that it all comes down to trust in my life.  I can’t tell you how many times I have been screwed over in my life, but I can tell you that I did my fair share of the screwing over.  It seems that my lack of trust spawns from something deep within me that constantly reminds me of the pain that accompanies disloyalty.   Everytime I think I have it beat, that demon pops his little head back into my life.   On a side note,   Isn’t it funny that Satan always pops his head in your life, just when you think things are going good.  It’s like he waits until we are comfortable, and then he attacks.  It is sort of a discouraging thing to think about when it all comes down to it.    But back to the issue at hand. 

I know that I have an amazing girlfriend.  I know that she loves me, even though for some reason, she can’t tell me.  I guess I will never understand that.  But there is something inside of me that will not allow me to let her in fully.  It is that still small voice in the back of my mind that says…” She is just like the rest of them.  Don’t let her fool you.  You’ve looked like a fool too many times.  Not this time”  And nine times out of ten, that voice wins.  It seems that the more I try to block it out, the harder it becomes.  

So, how do I beat it?   I mean really.  What can I do to defeat this demon in my life?   I mean, there has got to be something that I can do.   I can’t believe that this is all hopeless. 

I have done a great deal of praying about this, and God has revealed to me some pretty enlightening things.  One of which kinda took me off my guard.  That I can’t do anything to stop this.  WHAT!!!  Nothing.  You’ve gotta be kidding me.    I find it kinda funny that I am talking to myself….lol.     The fact of the matter is that “I” Can’t do anything to fix this.  But GOD can.   Did you hear me.  I realize that my lack of trust comes from not trusting God.  Whoa!  Now I’m stepping on my toes a bit.  I never thought about it this way until God revealed it to me.   My lack of trust is a direct effect of me not trusting God to work everything out in my life. 

You know what?  I think it’s time to stop talking like a Christian and start living it in my own life. 

“God,  I am nothing without you.  I cannot do this on my own.  I know that my past is something that has been haunting me and has driven a wedge between you and me for quite some time now.   Dad, I am ready and willing to give this all to you, but I cannot do it alone.  I need your help.  I am begging you to show up and show out in a mighty way in my life.  I love You and I thank You so much for what you have done for me.  I pray that you will continue to draw me close to you with each step I take.  In Jesus Name I Pray

Amen.

The Body of Christ

Won’t it be amazing when churches stop acting like salvation is a competition.  When we stop getting so caught up in attendance, numbers, and baptisms.  When we learn that God has called us to be the body of Christ, not just a leg or an arm, but an entire body working together to accomplish His plan for this world. 

I often wonder where things went wrong along the way.  I look back through scripture and I see churches sprouting up everywhere.  After Christ left this earth, the disciples began his work.  They didn’t get caught up in denominations, because there were none.  They were all believers and followers of the one Lord Jesus Christ.  They helped each other to grow.  They answered questions and helped each other solve problems.  They stood up for what they believed and they did it together.  Where did we lose sight of that vision?  Where did things go wrong?

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you for sure, but I believe it happened gradually.  I think it all started with a simple thought.  It is a thought that most of us have from time to time.  It is the thought that our ideas are right, and if people don’t believe exactly what we believe, then they are wrong and should be separate from us.  The greatest victory satan ever had over the body of Christ was division.  He caused a division in the body of Christ through opinions and ideas.  Most of the time, people fail to realize that satan knows scripture much better than we do, and he can use it to manipulate our thoughts and make us believe things that are way off base and completely out of context. 

I have seen people get into heated arguments over whether or not baptisms should be sprinkled or dunked.  I mean heated, firey, aggressive arguments that lead to anger or hurt feelings.  We often find ourselves arguing over the petty things that are open to individual interpretation.  Do you know that it is possible for 5, 10, or 20 people to read the same scripture and get completely different life applications out of that scripture.  Why do you think that is?  Could it be that God’s word is alive and moving?  Could it be that each person has a different problem or different circumstances in their lives?  Could it just be that God chooses to teach us all different things at different times in our lives?  The answer is yes, to all of the above.  So why do we get caught up in the world’s view of what is right and wrong.  The world tells us that if one person is right, and someone has another idea, then they are wrong by default.   I say, why can’t they both be right?

So what do we do about this as believers.  We have caused so much division in the body of Christ that it is no wonder that people don’t want to be a part of it.  I say that it starts with each person individually.  We need to search deep within ourselves and begin to allow God to disciple the person in the mirror first.  The ability to change our surroundings lies in Christ alone.  We have to consciously choose to commit our lives to him daily.  We have to start the day by giving it to God, and then we have to trust God no matter what happens during that day.  After all, if we give God each day, then we should have no problem with what happens, because it is no longer ours.  God calls for obedience and patience.  But if we have all of this and do not love our neighbors, then God’s word says that it is all useless.  I, personally, am tired of being useless for the Lord.  My prayer is that He will mold me into the man, future husband, and future father that He wants me to be.  I pray that I stop worrying  about things and trust God to take care of my needs.  And I pray that I make the effort and do my part to bring God’s body back to one functioning unit.  But I can’t do it alone.  

Will You Help Me?

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Why is it that you only really begin to appreciate things, when you are separated from them.  I mean really people.  It could be anything.  I mean, for instance, I have been driving a vehicle since I was 16.  That means for the past 8 years, I have never HAD to walk anywhere.  I just always assumed that the vehicle would always be there, and I never really got a chance to appreciate what a blessing it is just to know someone with a vehicle, let alone own one.  That’s what I am talking about when I speak of not appreciating things. 

My life has been turned upside down in the past few months.  I had to come to the realization that my unbelievably amazing girlfriend is moving away to finish school.  That puts us 4 hours apart from each other.  That may not sound like alot, but we have spent the majority of the relationship within a 15 minute drive from each other.  It is a huge step.  I never really expected it to hit me this hard, simply because I hadn’t prepared myself in advance.  I just brushed it under the rug and pretended like it was too far away to worry about. 

But isn’t it amazing how God uses turmoil in our lives to teach us, mold us, and reveal to us lessons about ourselves.  Allow me to share with you what God has taught me through this.  

First of all, I have learned that God is sufficient for all of my needs.   He takes care of all my tomorrows, and helps me through all of my heartache; but only if I allow him.  In an essence, He holds up the heavy end of the burden.  He allows me to feel some of the weight, but ultimately, it is Christ who is carrying the burden for me. 

Secondly, God revealed to me that this time apart will only strengthen this relationship.  When we make it through the next three years (notice I say “When”), Our relationship will be able to stand up to most everything the World throws our way.   If for some reason we don’t make it, then it was God’s grace to allow me to be a part of such an amazing persons life and I will constantly thank Him for everything.

And lastly, God revealed to me that, He has called for my obedience and devotion.  If I believe that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose, then I should have plenty of time to devote to praise and adoration of my awesome and all powerful God. (I mean, with all the time I will save not worrying and all)

If anyone is actually reading this, then I urge you all to stop worrying about tomorrow, for God takes care of your tomorrows as well.  He even takes care of the tiniest sparrow.  Why would he forget you?  He wouldn’t.

I Love You all and God Bless,
The unknown penman